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PRIVATE COLLECTION, 

Snowbasin, Utah 

 

WINTERTIME 

2022-2023

Oil on Canvas 

48 x 48 in 

(SOLD) 

 

 

I don't recall when I first knew . . ..  

 

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These four weeks especially,  You strike at my heart.  

 

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I think she will cross over today, or perhaps tomorrow.   I feel it.. . strange, because I don't even know her.  And yet,  connection  ~  

 

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Ahh . . .. Theodora!  Where are you when I call your name?  The person they see and the person I see are not the same! 

 

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As I walk on this gentle bed of pine needles  . . crunch,  crunchy crunch crunch so soft beneath my gentle bare feet . . .. I am dreaming about my home up ahead . . . ..  I am alone in this upstate blooming wilderness a stone’s throw from our City where we grew up so close so close . . .  This place with its spectacular view, it is warm, incredibly cozy and ahh so inviting;  it says come in come inside come inside here and stay for awhile.  So I entered and now I can hardly believe we are here because we are never far apart!  SO VERrY HAPPY!  Snowflakes drop from the Heavens and my Schutzhund-trained pack - - - well, . . . .. especially King (you know how he got his name!) . . .. always & all ways reliable,  he jumps they jump and catch these little wonders of nature falling from above and into their open comical waiting mouths with jaws that can generate more pounds per square inch than any other but now with lips curled furiously on their soft soft inviting flakes they look positively silly - such silly will he willy guys all!  You can’t help it can you you AWAA make me smile  - - and now they -my pack - glance up at me utterly bewildered both by my smiling at seemingly nothing in particular and also as the tiny gentle white flakes of perfect organization a perfect organization a geometry disappears as quickly as. . . .  my breath,  a passing white cloud kisses hugs kisses in the air in front of my lips, and it holds for a mere moment crystals and then disappears gently into the air and in spite of everything yet I do not feel this bone chilling cold.  

 

(I came back here longing for something other than the cold . . .. every morning when I awaken I want and every evening before I close my eyes I want & AWAA so many times throughout the lingering hours of the forever day I hunger for something only you only you and I wonder how I will make it through another day, and yet somehow somehow will this waiting ever end and on and on and on it goes and the snowflakes fall and spearmint flavored breaths linger visible in the air and I try not to think I will myself not to I will myself to live another day one more hour like this & King jumps up and places his humongous paws on my two shoulders as if he wants to dance with me he loves to too and Cali is so jealous but she no longer talks like when she used to hear your voice and talk to you but King,  he is so very silly that he actually makes me laugh aloud . . .. )

 

. . .. and I know what you would say what expression you would make if you saw me dancing in the wilderness all alone or swaying stepping moving tapping dancing with this big ol' ofelike beast because I love to dance and I can hear the music even when there isn't any and even when no-one else is dancing and they stand there in the street and watch me move and everyone is smiling and everyone feels good and happiness is spreading all around and all it took was for someone to start to dance!  

 

 

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Aaaahhhh… . . .. Yes! I returned to a place I once escaped to before,  do you remember my telling you about it, The Pine Forest?  Here.  The mountains.  Fresh!  Clean!  Pure!  Whooooshhhh, . . ..  a sparkling stream not yet frozen,  it will be a bit longer. . .  It is filled with lives rushing passed lives rushing past the french doors of my cottage.  I can lose myself in this beauty.  

 

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A piece of paper valued above all. I can not. . ..

 

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And an entire community would rally behind to help in ways no man would ever even know about.

I was warned that they were powerful. . .

True 

 

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I felt sad for a boy,  now a man.   Who allowed that to happen to him?  

And the girl?  What things said and unsaid turned her against you?  

And the winter is sometimes bitterly cold . . . 

 

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I never would have allowed that . . .  Never.  

But an avalanche razes everything.  

 

They would both have seen the amazing wondetfull miracle I see.  

Goodness raises everything.

 

. . .  and Christmas is approaching and I remember crying much of last Noël . . .

And the lives rushing past . . .. and the stream coursing over the rocks . . .. 

 

 

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Wildlife, . . ..  eagles gliding by overhead floating on the breath of the wind,  bears lumbering by ROKU ROKI  ROKI GRRRR and mountain lions on the hunt (like the one that shared my bed when I lived in the 'Bu);  and wolves traveling in packs they are a community (except for one who travels in the pack but is all alone in knowledge mastery and skill); and hawks nose-diving and owls peering through the night seeing everything and things others cannot see . . ..   I hear the nighttime howls . . .. what beauty God has created and it stands side by side with darkness  . . ..  I see her as she is . . ..I see through the darkness.  And you see it too.  I know you can see.   Then why?  Because you think you failed?   Because you do not want to fail again?   Yes it is complicated.  And you are amazing.  And you are special. And I have not forgotten.  I think you knew all along I would I could not . . .. 

 

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My God!  Get me as far away as is humanly possible.   I ran I ran to be among nature where I can feel safe.  I do not want to be in the same World with people such as this!  Instead, I will stay here among the stars and the bears, and the lions and wolves and the hawks and the sentinel owls that peer through the night . . ..   

 

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I CAN see through the darkness. 

 

What does it mean - difficult,  unpleasant,  intolerable?

              - - - NO!  

 

Too much? NO

Too complicated? NO

Be less than who you are? NO NEVER! 

 

 

 

Easygoing!  Comfortable!  Loving!  Joyful! 

ABSOLUTELY  EXTRAORDINARY!! 

 

She told me things I knew were all untrue.  How can anyone that close to a person not truly see them?  Well I guess you and I both know the answer to this,  don’t we!   There was that!  Anyway, I heard it all before from ‘Burl Ives’ who said i did not know or understand.  I laughed because it’s they who don’t, and how could they… they are not up to it!  Not even BICO! 
I do understand.   Because I see  ~   EXTRAORDINARY!  

 

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They say the windchill is in the double digits today.  Wintertime!  

 

I wonder if she kept it from you or if you knew, but I don't want to I can not believe even now that you could have done something cruel.  I suppose I will never learn what you did and didn't know.  But a part of me still believes in you. You were my closest friend.  We could tell each other anything at all WOW and it was always so easy always AWAA so incredibly easy  . . ..  of course I do miss that ~  

 

I suppose confirmation would be nice -  But I suppose it doesn't really matter.  Ahh. . . well. 

 

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Strange,  I was mesmerized by that one episode in GOT,  and I don't even know why.   I think I watched it a dozen times. I even named a painting Arya.  I suppose it is true then!  

 

'Winter is Coming!" 

 

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Hmm. . ..  there were others to consider,  risking all that was too much . . .  

 

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GOT:   They came disguised as friends.  And just one, a lover.  
Just one.

An incredible lover . . ..

An incredible love . . ..

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You can not live with a selfish self-absorbed individual for decades-  and not be made less than all you are capable of being . . . 

 

Clay is solid,  not like cotton or silk.  It is hard.  It is tough.  But a body made of clay,  porcelain the finest and most beautiful in its qualities,  it's also quite fragile and if you strike at it it may shatter  . . ..

 

 

  

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I slept easily last night here.  And when I awoke it was to the sound of the stream and the sight of a young deer with her fawn drinking quietly just outside my window.  

 

A noticed another small drop of blood on my bed.  

 

It is peaceful here.   I watched from my window for a moment.   I held a tissue, wiped the tears that had fallen on my cheek.  I felt a lump in my throat, and I let out an audible gasp. Breathe.  I tell myself this too shall pass.  Just breathe.  For a moment I am transported back back across decades.  My mother is sitting on the edge of my bed,  and she brushes my long dark hair back from in front of my eyes so I can see.  She tells me not to be afraid.   And then the image disappeared as suddenly as it appeared.  I do not know how much time . . .. 

 

The air is cold,  but a warm fire crackles close by sending embers up through the chimney.  It smells like wonderfull wintertime.  And now I am surrounded. . . ..   trees,  trees,  trees,  birds.  And now I feel it.  Wintertime.  I hear the melodies of the Holidays they make me smile!  (But not you.  You tell me you hate Christmas songs and that is so silly.  Tell me,  why is that?! I mean who doesn't love Christmas songs!)   When we meet again you have only to smile because in that alone it feels like you make love to me a million times and I feel something in your presence that’s impossible to explain and moreso to even describe but it’s real we don’t even need to touch ~  Yes! I am here again in my New York Pine Forest.  YES!  I am home.  

 

 

 

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Ahhh. . ..  you ask about Him.   

Who is he you ask?  

 

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Are WE really going to have another 'free association' session! 

What a silly-willy willhe! 

 

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Finally, . . ..  Peace.  He is with me.   And I will create something truly beautiful for him using this gift he gave to me. Like that piece on the strings I had specially made that serves to modulate the sound,  so too this gift he gave to me,

this brush, and  then with these hands this special touch  . . ..   

 

I can't wait to show you what I can REALLY do!  Watch my canvas come alive!   

 

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Harmony . . ..

 

I can hear your music,  you are playing,  and it all is sounding so sweet to me,  perfect really!   It always has been. Your music  fills my heart with such joy!  (But tell me,  think about this,  why here on Earth did it take me for you to be able to see it?)

 

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"Janai,"  (Gift)  "Do not be afraid because of what the ice queen has done.. .. you can not stop the unraveling.  remember only this ,  I gave you a gift."  

 

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Kindness.  

 

Honesty in all things. 

 

Thoughtfullness.

 

Life-affirming.

 

Joy in simple things. 

 

Goodness. 

 

Bringing beauty into the World. 

 

Caring for the animals.

 

Compassion.

 

Integrity.

 

Truth. 

 

Love.

 

Selflessness.  Putting others' needs ahead of your own AWAA

 

Sight.  The most special most remarkable gift of all! 

 

 

 

Do you recall the moment when you were sitting on your couch, SiBu at your side?  It was early 2004. You were staring at your easel and the painting.   Suddenly you realized what was missing. Where do these thoughts come from?  Do you remember writing each of those words onto that canvas, quickly and with bare hands so as not to forget?  It was 2 decades ago.  You painted with an injured arm through pain and throughout the night until it was complete. And then the name,  ONCE UPON A TIME.  It came so easily!  And when you needed help to save Sim, OUAT sold . . ..  Trust what you see."     

 

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yes it is cold here but I do not feel it when I think of you and a calmness washes over me, and I begin to paint . . ..   

     

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ROMANTIC INTERLUDE À LEANNA  

_ 2022 _ Oil _ On canvas _ 30 x 40 inches 

 

 "Captain! O Captain! ' ~   

 

ABOUT THIS PAINTING

This painting has an intentionally soft,  gentle,  ethereal quality to it.  It is lovingly feminine in every sense delicate feeling of the word, 

 

                                   Oh my gosh!  I am in Love!  I'm in Love with THE Captain,  James Fraser!!  

 

NOT Sam Heughan,  mind you.  Just Jamie . . . .  sorry Sam!  But you play him so well.  The man who is only acting can of course never be as wonder-full as the dream is to me in every conceivable way!  A chance meeting in the Woods,  back to the cabin after darkness has fallen, touching for the first time the only light that of the fire,  thunderbolt the electricity,  pause,  a moment . . . . Oh My God it was SO ROMANTIC!   (Outlander,  for those who do not know what on Earth I am talking about. But really,  is there ANY woman left on this Planet who does not know what I am talking about?!)  Oooooh scrinchy scrinchy!   

 I don't know what it is about this man who knows how to be a man,  Oh My God!,  calm wild confident firm masculine unafraid roar strong as a lion in the wilderness  . . . . but he captures my imagination he holds my heart . .  he holds all of me - firmly,  and I in the ultimate infinity infinity I find myself hopelessly again and I am floating please again and wanting more in the delightful clouds again again drawn by drawn to oh my! and then of course 'Scrinchy Scrinchy' melting flowing in every way and I am Dreaming fantasizing about Captain James Fraser way too frequently  - - please PLEASE  somebody stop me!  - - - 

 

- - - hence the addition of the Scottish Gaelic term of endearment in the title of this painting!  

 

As a woman who loves being a woman and as a woman who truly adores and loves men,  this man,  the Captain, is my dream . . . . 

Perhaps I am a hopeless Romantic ~ 

 

PROVENANCE: 

June 2023:  XXII International Contemporary Art Exhibition,  

Metropolitan Art Museum,  Tokyo Japan

 

 

 

 

ORIGINAL of this work is not available at this time on tour southeast Asia *