Blog

WINTERTIME 

2022-2023

Oil on Canvas 

48 x 48 in 

(SOLD) 

 

 

I don't recall when I first knew . . ..  

 

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These four weeks especially,  You strike at my heart.  

 

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I think she will cross over today, or perhaps tomorrow.   I feel it.. . strange, because I don't even know her.  And yet,  connection  ~  

 

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Ahh . . .. Theodora!  Where are you when I call your name?  The person they see and the person I see are not the same! 

 

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As I walk on this gentle bed of pine needles  . . crunch,  crunchy crunch crunch so soft beneath my gentle bare feet . . .. I am dreaming about my home up ahead . . . ..  I am alone in this upstate blooming wilderness a stone’s throw from our City where we grew up so close so close . . .  This place with its spectacular view, it is warm, incredibly cozy and ahh so inviting;  it says come in come inside come inside here and stay for awhile.  So I entered and now I can hardly believe we are here because we are never far apart!  SO VERrY HAPPY!  Snowflakes drop from the Heavens and my Schutzhund-trained pack - - - well, . . . .. especially King (you know how he got his name!) . . .. always & all ways reliable,  he jumps they jump and catch these little wonders of nature falling from above and into their open comical waiting mouths with jaws that can generate more pounds per square inch than any other but now with lips curled furiously on their soft soft inviting flakes they look positively silly - such silly will he willy guys all!  You can’t help it can you you AWAA make me smile  - - and now they -my pack - glance up at me utterly bewildered both by my smiling at seemingly nothing in particular and also as the tiny gentle white flakes of perfect organization a perfect organization a geometry disappears as quickly as. . . .  my breath,  a passing white cloud kisses hugs kisses in the air in front of my lips, and it holds for a mere moment crystals and then disappears gently into the air and in spite of everything yet I do not feel this bone chilling cold.  

 

(I came back here longing for something other than the cold . . .. every morning when I awaken I want and every evening before I close my eyes I want & AWAA so many times throughout the lingering hours of the forever day I hunger for something only you only you and I wonder how I will make it through another day, and yet somehow somehow will this waiting ever end and on and on and on it goes and the snowflakes fall and spearmint flavored breaths linger visible in the air and I try not to think I will myself not to I will myself to live another day one more hour like this & King jumps up and places his humongous paws on my two shoulders as if he wants to dance with me he loves to too and Cali is so jealous but she no longer talks like when she used to hear your voice and talk to you but King,  he is so very silly that he actually makes me laugh aloud . . .. )

 

. . .. and I know what you would say what expression you would make if you saw me dancing in the wilderness all alone or swaying stepping moving tapping dancing with this big ol' ofelike beast because I love to dance and I can hear the music even when there isn't any and even when no-one else is dancing and they stand there in the street and watch me move and everyone is smiling and everyone feels good and happiness is spreading all around and all it took was for someone to start to dance!  

 

 

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Aaaahhhh… . . .. Yes! I returned to a place I once escaped to before,  do you remember my telling you about it, The Pine Forest?  Here.  The mountains.  Fresh!  Clean!  Pure!  Whooooshhhh, . . ..  a sparkling stream not yet frozen,  it will be a bit longer. . .  It is filled with lives rushing passed lives rushing past the french doors of my cottage.  I can lose myself in this beauty.  

 

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A piece of paper valued above all. I can not. . ..

 

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And an entire community would rally behind to help in ways no man would ever even know about.

I was warned that they were powerful. . .

True 

 

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I felt sad for a boy,  now a man.   Who allowed that to happen to him?  

And the girl?  What things said and unsaid turned her against you?  

And the winter is sometimes bitterly cold . . . 

 

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I never would have allowed that . . .  Never.  

But an avalanche razes everything.  

 

They would both have seen the amazing wondetfull miracle I see.  

Goodness raises everything.

 

. . .  and Christmas is approaching and I remember crying much of last Noël . . .

And the lives rushing past . . .. and the stream coursing over the rocks . . .. 

 

 

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Wildlife, . . ..  eagles gliding by overhead floating on the breath of the wind,  bears lumbering by ROKU ROKI  ROKI GRRRR and mountain lions on the hunt (like the one that shared my bed when I lived in the 'Bu);  and wolves traveling in packs they are a community (except for one who travels in the pack but is all alone in knowledge mastery and skill); and hawks nose-diving and owls peering through the night seeing everything and things others cannot see . . ..   I hear the nighttime howls . . .. what beauty God has created and it stands side by side with darkness  . . ..  I see her as she is . . ..I see through the darkness.  And you see it too.  I know you can see.   Then why?  Because you think you failed?   Because you do not want to fail again?   Yes it is complicated.  And you are amazing.  And you are special. And I have not forgotten.  I think you knew all along I would I could not . . .. 

 

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My God!  Get me as far away as is humanly possible.   I ran I ran to be among nature where I can feel safe.  I do not want to be in the same World with people such as this!  Instead, I will stay here among the stars and the bears, and the lions and wolves and the hawks and the sentinel owls that peer through the night . . ..   

 

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I CAN see through the darkness. 

 

What does it mean - difficult,  unpleasant,  intolerable?

              - - - NO!  

 

Too much? NO

Too complicated? NO

Be less than who you are? NO NEVER! 

 

 

 

Easygoing!  Comfortable!  Loving!  Joyful! 

ABSOLUTELY  EXTRAORDINARY!! 

 

She told me things I knew were all untrue.  How can anyone that close to a person not truly see them?  Well I guess you and I both know the answer to this,  don’t we!   There was that!  Anyway, I heard it all before from ‘Burl Ives’ who said i did not know or understand.  I laughed because it’s they who don’t, and how could they… they are not up to it!  Not even BICO! 
I do understand.   Because I see  ~   EXTRAORDINARY!  

 

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They say the windchill is in the double digits today.  Wintertime!  

 

I wonder if she kept it from you or if you knew, but I don't want to I can not believe even now that you could have done something cruel.  I suppose I will never learn what you did and didn't know.  But a part of me still believes in you. You were my closest friend.  We could tell each other anything at all WOW and it was always so easy always AWAA so incredibly easy  . . ..  of course I do miss that ~  

 

I suppose confirmation would be nice -  But I suppose it doesn't really matter.  Ahh. . . well. 

 

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Strange,  I was mesmerized by that one episode in GOT,  and I don't even know why.   I think I watched it a dozen times. I even named a painting Arya.  I suppose it is true then!  

 

'Winter is Coming!" 

 

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Hmm. . ..  there were others to consider,  risking all that was too much . . .  

 

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GOT:   They came disguised as friends.  And just one, a lover.  
Just one.

An incredible lover . . ..

An incredible love . . ..

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You can not live with a selfish self-absorbed individual for decades-  and not be made less than all you are capable of being . . . 

 

Clay is solid,  not like cotton or silk.  It is hard.  It is tough.  But a body made of clay,  porcelain the finest and most beautiful in its qualities,  it's also quite fragile and if you strike at it it may shatter  . . ..

 

 

  

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I slept easily last night here.  And when I awoke it was to the sound of the stream and the sight of a young deer with her fawn drinking quietly just outside my window.  

 

A noticed another small drop of blood on my bed.  

 

It is peaceful here.   I watched from my window for a moment.   I held a tissue, wiped the tears that had fallen on my cheek.  I felt a lump in my throat, and I let out an audible gasp. Breathe.  I tell myself this too shall pass.  Just breathe.  For a moment I am transported back back across decades.  My mother is sitting on the edge of my bed,  and she brushes my long dark hair back from in front of my eyes so I can see.  She tells me not to be afraid.   And then the image disappeared as suddenly as it appeared.  I do not know how much time . . .. 

 

The air is cold,  but a warm fire crackles close by sending embers up through the chimney.  It smells like wonderfull wintertime.  And now I am surrounded. . . ..   trees,  trees,  trees,  birds.  And now I feel it.  Wintertime.  I hear the melodies of the Holidays they make me smile!  (But not you.  You tell me you hate Christmas songs and that is so silly.  Tell me,  why is that?! I mean who doesn't love Christmas songs!)   When we meet again you have only to smile because in that alone it feels like you make love to me a million times and I feel something in your presence that’s impossible to explain and moreso to even describe but it’s real we don’t even need to touch ~  Yes! I am here again in my New York Pine Forest.  YES!  I am home.  

 

 

 

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Ahhh. . ..  you ask about Him.   

Who is he you ask?  

 

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Are WE really going to have another 'free association' session! 

What a silly-willy willhe! 

 

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Finally, . . ..  Peace.  He is with me.   And I will create something truly beautiful for him using this gift he gave to me. Like that piece on the strings I had specially made that serves to modulate the sound,  so too this gift he gave to me,

this brush, and  then with these hands this special touch  . . ..   

 

I can't wait to show you what I can REALLY do!  Watch my canvas come alive!   

 

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Harmony . . ..

 

I can hear your music,  you are playing,  and it all is sounding so sweet to me,  perfect really!   It always has been. Your music  fills my heart with such joy!  (But tell me,  think about this,  why here on Earth did it take me for you to be able to see it?)

 

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"Janai,"  (Gift)  "Do not be afraid because of what the ice queen has done.. .. you can not stop the unraveling.  remember only this ,  I gave you a gift."  

 

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Kindness.  

 

Honesty in all things. 

 

Thoughtfullness.

 

Life-affirming.

 

Joy in simple things. 

 

Goodness. 

 

Bringing beauty into the World. 

 

Caring for the animals.

 

Compassion.

 

Integrity.

 

Truth. 

 

Love.

 

Selflessness.  Putting others' needs ahead of your own AWAA

 

Sight.  The most special most remarkable gift of all! 

 

 

 

Do you recall the moment when you were sitting on your couch, SiBu at your side?  It was early 2004. You were staring at your easel and the painting.   Suddenly you realized what was missing. Where do these thoughts come from?  Do you remember writing each of those words onto that canvas, quickly and with bare hands so as not to forget?  It was 2 decades ago.  You painted with an injured arm through pain and throughout the night until it was complete. And then the name,  ONCE UPON A TIME.  It came so easily!  And when you needed help to save Sim, OUAT sold . . ..  Trust what you see."     

 

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yes it is cold here but I do not feel it when I think of you and a calmness washes over me, and I begin to paint . . ..   

     

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ORPHE  US  (& THE HERO RODE A 'WONDERUS' AND MAGICAL CREATURE) _ 2022  _ Porcelain  _ 8 x 11 x 2 in 

View:  Front 

 

WRITTEN BEFORE THE DEATH OF THE MAGICAL CREATURE

This vessel is the soul of the animal.  What is contained within?  What does it all mean?  

 

I am just a child,  and when I arise in the morning I am joyfully surrounded by ginormous towers of flowers - azure & turquoise Mediterranean blues and sun flower marigolds nourished  and given life from 93 million miles away and singing shades of canary yellow and dazzling bejeweled chinese jade.  And I love this place, this room and these magnificent flowers blooming all around.  They mean something to me. They are a part of who I am through starlit nights and twinkling lights and love is all around around all around me enveloping me anew each rising day . . .   

 

The selection of the medium - white porcelain - was intentional.  Pure, clean, beautiful, hard, fragile.  Very fragile. 

The design so very basic yet intricate,  essence simple simple . . .  

All of these and all at once. 

 

We are in China in an open seafood market and a man is trying to sell us his wares. And I can not help but notice the chimpanzee. He is shackled and chained to a post nearby, and he cannot escape this place.  Near where he is chained, another chimp's severed hand  - a serving dish to feed the patrons at this place.  They are smiling and laughing and drinking soup with both hands cups held aloft.  It is a disturbing scene.  I see his eyes.  I see him.  And I cannot get this animal's look of fear out of my mind even after all these years... ..   ("Mankind . . . . . . . Man - kind?")  

 

                                                                                                                                                                                          What oxymoron man? 

 

And the man with the wares captures our attention and shows us a huge cylindrical blue and white vase - -  and my father demonstrates the value of the vase -- the higher pitch of the ping he tells me - the more valuable the vessel.  The ones that are most valuable are few and far between.  They are indeed (& in deed) - quite rare! Such a vessel must be cherished and treated with the utmost respect & care (so as not to break it).  God knows how important THAT is!  So, back to my father,  who just smiles at me and strikes the top edge of the large blue and white tall cylindrical vase with the tip of a small silver spoon.  Ping  - Ping  - Ping!  I memorize its sound. Decades ago.  And I remember.  Still.  Now,  it is my turn.  I take my nail and strike it to Orphe Us.  Ping! . . .. Ping! . . .. Ping! . . . .. It is the most beautiful sound in the world to me because of what it reminds me of him .  .  ..  because it TAKES ME BACK . . .  .. a beautiful resounding high pitch - I hear it over and over again.  The sound of the porcelain,  pure.  Unbroken.  And then -  -  - The silent sound of the cries for mercy unheard among the rising din at this seafood market . . . . . . .  And Yes,  I hear it now as if it were yesterday it was only a mere moment ago.  And I am a small child traveling with this very handsome and very charming man, my father, and now I am transported back through miles and decades across Oceans and to far away places . . .    

 

The 'primitive' rendering of the animal is intentional as well.  Raw and real.  It is not a myth at all.  It appears to be a cross between a canine and a 'beast of burden.'  The k9 is my friend,  of course! -  He is, above all - trustworthy.  What a remarkable thing!!  And notice the title - the apparent 'beast of burden' is  - - why - -  not a beast at all!  And the burden - as it turns out - the burden is actually the so-called 'hero.'  The primitive animal is a vessel for healing of others. The vessel is filled to the brim overflowing with water overflowing with a deep and innate undertanding & kindness  overflowing with love - - - - refreshing - - - healing - - - - - the cleansing scene in the movie before the hero rides forth for final battle he must be cleansed.  It is in every film (so I was told, by Syd Field, The Master, when I sat there at his and his wife Aviva's dining room table, Tuesday nights, studying alongside the Masters of the s.p. World, not so very long ago, a brief and joyful moment in time) - watch for those scenes admonished Syd with a smile -  a shower, a bath,  a spray, a Baptism, an Ocean as far as the eye can see in every which direction waves crashing carelessly against the delicate pink shoreline . . . .  It is the vessel the round curves the smoothness to touch beneath my finger tips as I run them gently across the surface around the curves,  it is this vessel this Magical Creature that provides this necessary cleansing to the hero - that without which the hero would be nothing at all.  But each time,  each time the vessel is drained a little bit more by the hero.  And after he is healed,  he will forget every word insight after insight brilliant quietly out of nowhere amidst the silliness such a strange juxtaposition remarkable really then every gesture unexpected laughter every sprinkle of Magical Fairy Dust surprise surprise that the Creature gave to him to bring him to this point . . . after all of it, he will forget & the Magical Creature will be left alone to slowly die . . .. and then unexpected over ending final of course it could have should have been seen coming it was obvious and yet a surprise still after all the silly juxtapositions that just made everyone all around laugh and smile and made their lives better draining the vessel draining the vessel draining . . .  and then there it was empty and the porcelain broke into a million pieces and everyone said they didn't see it coming but the truth is nobody bothered to look because nobody cared . . ..

 

The Good Fairy, Theodora, she tried to awaken the Magical Creature but she lay peaceful unresponsive.  And only then does the Forest truly come to life.  So strange it took this for her to be truly valued.  Great Creatures Big and Small circle around what remains from the Magic. What remains are images on the walls all around.  They are images which chart the course of the Magical Creature's journey.  Each life that was saved.  Each life that was touched.  There were too many to count.  And the others come from all over to say good-bye one last time.  This time,  to show respect that was never given when she walked among them. This time to show they cared.  Did they?  This time for them to remember.   It was in fact the Magical Creature who was the real hero!  Without the Magical Creature,  the shadow that remained was all there was of the hero and that would have been non-impressive.  Without the Magical Creature the 'hero' would not could not manifest all that he might be.  The Magical Creature had a secret.  The secret was simple.   She lived entirely for others.  That.  That is what brought her joy.  And yet, too, it brought her deep sorrow.  For they all drank from the well.  Living for others requires much.  It requires great ability to see everything unencumbered by things of little matter and greater understanding of what's inside of another's soul.  It requires caring.  And great ability to love truly and deeply.  She saw something more because she every day every moment she took the care the time to look. Because she cared and because her caring was real and true.   She saw what those closest could not see given every advantage of proximity and time.  Even the Hero himself could not see.  She Magical Creature had only to hold a mirror up - and smile. Look!  See what I See!  And now,  among the sparkles and pops in the sky that once he shared with her from afar,  he remembers everything.  What he remembers most is how that felt when it was real and true and he understands what she did for him. And what she was willing to sacrifice for him.  

 

A tear falls silently down his cheek when he gets the report that she is really gone, and as she could make him both laugh and cry,  he smiles, too.  And now he understands.   He is a reflection of what the Magical Creature saw . . . . . . . Yes, in deed,  it was the Magical Creature willing to ride to the depths of the UnderWorld having to bear the burden of others, all,  hanging on for a bit of magic on the 'WonderUs' Creature's journey to save to restore for those who need to be resurrected through her healing powers of what was once a WonderUs Being.  This creature unlike any other was magical in deed indeed.

 

And the fireworks explode among the stars so nobody hears another pop! 

and just like that. . . .. the Magical Creature is gone forever ~