These four weeks especially, you strike at my heart.
* * * * * * * * * *
I think she will cross over today, or maybe tomorrow. I just feel it.
She has put up a valiant fight these past few years.
(Why did you lie? Ahhh. . … well. The ‘81 Degenerates just can't help themselves now, can they?! )
* * * * * * * * * *
Ahh . . .. Theodora!
* * * * * * * * * *
As I walk on this bed of pine needles . . crunch, crunchy crunch crunch . . .. I am dreaming about my home up ahead . . . .. I am here all alone in the wilderness. This place with a spectacular view, it is warm and cozy. I can't believe I am here! SO VERY HAPPY! Snowflakes drop from the Heavens and my Schutzhund-trained pack - especially King - always all ways reliable, they jump and catch these little wonders of nature falling from above and into their open mouths with jaws that can generate more pounds per square inch than any other but now with lips curled furiously on these flakes they look positively silly - such silly willy guys! - - and now they glance up at me utterly bewildered as the tiny gentle white flakes of perfect organization a geometry disappear as quickly as. . . . my breath, a passing white cloud in front of my lips, and yet I do not feel this cold.
(But it was another coldness that helped me to decide, . . .. WATB!)
* * * * * * * * * *
I returned to a place I once escaped to before, The Pine Forest. Here. The mountains. A sparkling stream not yet frozen it will be a bit longer. . . It is filled with life rushing past the french doors of my cottage. I can lose myself in this beauty.
* * * * * * * * * *
She told me she would hold onto the paper no matter what it took. Not a word about him. Not one word. Just a piece of paper she valued. Then she let down her guard and told me what she truly believed - She used the words “difficult” and “unpleasant”. She told me many things she despises about you. She said she finds you thoroughly intolerable at times! The person she sees and the person I see are not the same. Ahh. . . well.
* * * * * * * * * *
She is filthy. I can not rid myself of her disease. I may die because of her. Doctors and hospitals and biopsies . . …
* * * * * * * * * *
Wildlife, . . .. eagles gliding by overhead, bears and mountain lions and wolves (okay I was told ‘no wolves. Those were just very large and very healthy coyotes I had seen one night!). ... I hear somethings nighttime howls, . . .. what beauty God has created . . .. she only knew how to destroy. I wanted to run away - - forever - - to be among nature where I can feel safe and unplug completely from the ‘81 Degenerates and others like them - away from them forever. This is how I will spend whatever time I have left . . ..
* * * * * * * * * *
I wonder if she kept it from him, or if he knew, but I don't want to believe even now that he could have done something so cruel. I suppose I will never learn what he did and didn't know about what she had done. I would have liked to have known. I would have liked confirmation that someone I once believed in more than anyone was not a knowing party to it. But I suppose it doesn't really matter.
* * * * * * * * * *
Strange, I was mesmerized by that one episode DC in GOT, and I don't even know why. I think I watched it DC a dozen times. I even named a painting Arya. Ahh. . .. well. . .. with these horrible human beings put there by - you guessed it - the ‘81 Degenerates! - I suppose it is true then! 'Winter is Coming!"
* * * * * * * * * *
They always come disguised as friends. And perhaps even a lover. Self-serving. Ice. Liar. You can not live with a selfish, self-absorbed woman for decades and not become just like her! You have become what you told me you hated most! And what about you? You are cruel. To take a vessel made of porcelain and shatter it at its weakest because you can. How did I not see? Never again. You changed me.
* * * * * * * * * *
I slept easily last night here. And when I awoke it was to the sound of the stream and the sight of a young deer with her fawns drinking quietly just outside my window. A noticed another small drop of blood. It is peaceful here. I watched from my window for a moment. I held a tissue, wiped the tears. I was unable to breathe, and I let out an audible gasp. I tell myself this too shall pass. Just breathe. For a moment I am transported back back across decades.
My mother is sitting on the edge of my bed, and she brushes my long dark hair back from in front of my eyes. She tells me not to be afraid. He will hold my hand, and she will be there. And then the image disappeared as suddenly as it appeared. I do not know how much time I have left because of what she has done. The air is cold, but a fire crackles & sends embers up through the chimney. It smells like wintertime. And now I am surrounded. . . .. trees, trees, trees, birds. And now I feel it. I am here again in my New York Pine Forest. I am home.
* * * * * * * * * *
Ahhh. . .. you ask about Him.
Who is he you ask?
The ‘81 Degenerates howl ~
* * * * * * * * * *
Finally, . . .. Peace. He is with me. And I will create something truly beautiful for him using this gift He's given me.
Like that piece on the strings that serves to modulate the sound, so too this gift you gave to me, with this brush these hands . . ..
I will show you what I can REALLY do! I can hear the music sounding so sweet. "Janai," you whisper my name. "Do not be afraid because of what the ice queen has done to you."
A calmness washes over me,and I begin to paint . . ..
WINTERTIME
2022-2023
Oil on Canvas
Custom 24k gold frame
48 x 48 in
(SOLD)
I don't recall when I first knew . . ..
* * * * * * * * * *
These four weeks especially, you strike at my heart.
* * * * * * * * * *
I think she will cross over today, or maybe tomorrow. I just feel it.
She has put up a valiant fight these past few years.
(Why did you lie? Ahhh. . … well. The ‘81 Degenerates just can't help themselves now, can they?! )
* * * * * * * * * *
Ahh . . .. Theodora!
* * * * * * * * * *
As I walk on this bed of pine needles . . crunch, crunchy crunch crunch . . .. I am dreaming about my home up ahead . . . .. I am here all alone in the wilderness. This place with a spectacular view, it is warm and cozy. I can't believe I am here! SO VERY HAPPY! Snowflakes drop from the Heavens and my Schutzhund-trained pack - especially King - always all ways reliable, they jump and catch these little wonders of nature falling from above and into their open mouths with jaws that can generate more pounds per square inch than any other but now with lips curled furiously on these flakes they look positively silly - such silly willy guys! - - and now they glance up at me utterly bewildered as the tiny gentle white flakes of perfect organization a geometry disappear as quickly as. . . . my breath, a passing white cloud in front of my lips, and yet I do not feel this cold.
(But it was another coldness that helped me to decide, . . .. WATB!)
* * * * * * * * * *
I returned to a place I once escaped to before, The Pine Forest. Here. The mountains. A sparkling stream not yet frozen it will be a bit longer. . . It is filled with life rushing past the french doors of my cottage. I can lose myself in this beauty.
* * * * * * * * * *
She told me she would hold onto the paper no matter what it took. Not a word about him. Not one word. Just a piece of paper she valued. Then she let down her guard and told me what she truly believed - She used the words “difficult” and “unpleasant”. She told me many things she despises about you. She said she finds you thoroughly intolerable at times! The person she sees and the person I see are not the same. Ahh. . . well.
* * * * * * * * * *
She is filthy. I can not rid myself of her disease. I may die because of her. Doctors and hospitals and biopsies . . …
* * * * * * * * * *
Wildlife, . . .. eagles gliding by overhead, bears and mountain lions and wolves (okay I was told ‘no wolves. Those were just very large and very healthy coyotes I had seen one night!). ... I hear somethings nighttime howls, . . .. what beauty God has created . . .. she only knew how to destroy. I wanted to run away - - forever - - to be among nature where I can feel safe and unplug completely from the ‘81 Degenerates and others like them - away from them forever. This is how I will spend whatever time I have left . . ..
* * * * * * * * * *
I wonder if she kept it from him, or if he knew, but I don't want to believe even now that he could have done something so cruel. I suppose I will never learn what he did and didn't know about what she had done. I would have liked to have known. I would have liked confirmation that someone I once believed in more than anyone was not a knowing party to it. But I suppose it doesn't really matter.
* * * * * * * * * *
Strange, I was mesmerized by that one episode DC in GOT, and I don't even know why. I think I watched it DC a dozen times. I even named a painting Arya. Ahh. . .. well. . .. with these horrible human beings put there by - you guessed it - the ‘81 Degenerates! - I suppose it is true then! 'Winter is Coming!"
* * * * * * * * * *
They always come disguised as friends. And perhaps even a lover. Self-serving. Ice. Liar. You can not live with a selfish, self-absorbed woman for decades and not become just like her! You have become what you told me you hated most! And what about you? You are cruel. To take a vessel made of porcelain and shatter it at its weakest because you can. How did I not see? Never again. You changed me.
* * * * * * * * * *
I slept easily last night here. And when I awoke it was to the sound of the stream and the sight of a young deer with her fawns drinking quietly just outside my window. A noticed another small drop of blood. It is peaceful here. I watched from my window for a moment. I held a tissue, wiped the tears. I was unable to breathe, and I let out an audible gasp. I tell myself this too shall pass. Just breathe. For a moment I am transported back back across decades.
My mother is sitting on the edge of my bed, and she brushes my long dark hair back from in front of my eyes. She tells me not to be afraid. He will hold my hand, and she will be there. And then the image disappeared as suddenly as it appeared. I do not know how much time I have left because of what she has done. The air is cold, but a fire crackles & sends embers up through the chimney. It smells like wintertime. And now I am surrounded. . . .. trees, trees, trees, birds. And now I feel it. I am here again in my New York Pine Forest. I am home.
* * * * * * * * * *
Ahhh. . .. you ask about Him.
Who is he you ask?
The ‘81 Degenerates howl ~
* * * * * * * * * *
Finally, . . .. Peace. He is with me. And I will create something truly beautiful for him using this gift He's given me.
Like that piece on the strings that serves to modulate the sound, so too this gift you gave to me, with this brush these hands . . ..
I will show you what I can REALLY do! I can hear the music sounding so sweet. "Janai," you whisper my name. "Do not be afraid because of what the ice queen has done to you."
A calmness washes over me, and I begin to paint . . ..
* * * * * * * * * *